At times my thoughts are just as loud
As the beep of the machine
At times my thoughts are just as loud
As the code being screamed
I shush them as I jog, then sprint, into the patient’s room
I shush them as I do compressions, fight impending doom
I refuse to let my thoughts venture to that awful place
Years ago, at my school, where I paced
Waiting to hear news I knew would come
Hoping what was done would come undone
My principal found me. “I’ll wait with you,” she said.
“Ok.” I looked out of the window at the roses, focusing on the red.
My parents arrived, my heartbeat began to quicken
My stomach began to hurt, then sicken
Mom’s voice shook as she whispered what I knew
I rushed into her arms, hot tears flew
“What happened…?” said my principal
“I’m so sorry…” I spaced out and there was a lull
I tell myself my tragedy
Will help me to relate
But all I can feel is fury, sorrow
All I can do is recreate
That moment long ago
When I realized children die
When I realized he would never come home
I never got to say goodbye
Death is not always calm, like never waking from a dream
Sometimes it comes suddenly, an extinguishing light with a scream
And all we can do is hug each other tight
The doctor can’t cure them
We lost the fight
But that is not the time for doctors to go away
In that moment, just stay
Comfort them, tell them you did all that you could
Even if it you don’t think it will help, or that it should
Even though they are overcome with grief
Even though you feel you can bring no relief
I promise that they will never forget that day
They will, undoubtedly, remember all you do and say
Amanda J. Calhoun, MD, MPH, is an Albert J. Solnit Integrated Adult/Child Psychiatry Resident at Yale University School of Medicine. Dr. Calhoun graduated from Yale University with a BA in Spanish and received her MD/MPH from Saint Louis University School of Medicine, in St. Louis, Missouri, where she grew up. Dr. Calhoun’s research interests include the improvement of mental health outcomes in the African American community by targeting the trauma of racism. She aims to increase representation of African, African diaspora, and indigenous children, both in the USA and abroad, in academic research. Dr. Calhoun firmly believes that all doctors should be activists and promotes the integration of social justice teaching with medical education. Follow Dr. Calhoun on Twitter: @AmandaJoyMD