The following official pronouncement is presented on the behalf of our interns.
Don’t let the daffodils delude you. Plague and pestilence have descended upon the land. We, brave antiviral warriors all, are battling a fierce microbial foe. Victory demands discipline, cohesion, and a commitment to basic hygiene.
This morning, sunlight has pierced the fog of battle, and our minds have awoken to a blazing truth: We, the Yale Traditional Interns (the “front line providers”) have ascertained that our supervisors (the “back line providers”) have committed grave offenses, and we have been summoned to render judgment. Nay, lest we fail in this solemn duty, our medico-military band of brothers and sisters will fall into chaos. Thus, we are committed to investigating the surfeit of high crimes and misdemeanors allegedly committed by our back line providers.
In pursuance of that goal, we hereby convene the all-powerful COVID Court, over which we will preside as judge and jury. We will call witnesses. We claim supreme authority. Our verdicts are irreversible, irrevocable, permanent, conclusive, and impervious to appeal (unless Dr. Siegel revises another policy after we go to bed).
As members of this department (the “DOM,” whatever that means), you are advised to memorize the following list of pandemic-pertinent behaviors. Meritorious behavior is designated with a 👍; the opposite with a 👎. Out of deference to adult learners (Dr. Dunne), behaviors are grouped by category to promote retention and recall.
- Coughing into your hand 👎 👎 👎
- Coughing into your sleeve 👎
- Not coughing at all (Go home if you’re coughing! Take care of yourself!) 👍 👍 👍
- Forgetting to hit the mute button 👎
- Flushing the toilet after forgetting to hit the mute button (#ZOOPING, H/T to Dr. Sankey) 👎 👎 👎 👎 👎
- Bed head 👎
- Baseball cap 👍
- Mets cap (Let’s Go Mets, Dr. Velazquez!) 👍 👍 👍
- Bottom: Anything (Who cares if you can’t see it?) 👎 or 👍 (Listen to your conscience, you’re a doctor!)
- Starting an email with any of the following
- As we all know, these are unusual times… (You’re right, we know, that’s why you don’t need to say that!) 👎
- Needless to say, times have changed… (Exactly, that’s why they’re unusual!) 👎
- I’m sorry to trouble you with another email… (Then don’t!) 👎 👎 👎
- Depressing reminders
- This is a crisis (Yes, I heard that somewhere) 👎
- Things are bad out there (I heard that too) 👎 👎
- Things are getting really bad here too (We know, we work here) 👎 👎 👎
- Uplifting messages (Thank you faculty, alumni, and new interns!) 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍
- Depressing reminders
Helping the Cause
- Staying home if you can (Flatten the curve, everybody!) 👍
- Donating PPE (Thank you Santa Claus and Melanie Hundt’s mom!; Refer donors to Lori Lee: Lorraine.Lee@ynhh.org) 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍
- Donating food deliveries to sick residents (For more information, contact Dr. Claudia-Santi F. Fernandes: firstname.lastname@example.org) 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍
- All of you! 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍
Thus, the COVID Court is solemnly convened, on this first day of April, in the year of the plague, 2020.
Your Yale Traditional Interns