The Decision Committee has decided that:
1. Because most published research findings are false, residents are no longer allowed to read.
2. To better align their skill sets, Dr. Ronny L. Jackson will become an Associate Program Director and Dr. Hay will lead the Veteran’s Administration.
Associate Program Director Secretary of the VA
3. Because interns in iCOMPARE said they didn’t learn as much with only three months of night-call, we are “flipping” the schedule so they can have three months of day-call. According to Education Distinction Chair, Dr. Sankey, this innovation will distinguish Yale from its peers.
4. Because absence makes the heart grow fonder, EPIC will be turned off on Fridays.
5. Residents who need to relieve themselves must first seek permission from Dr. Saly or a real nephrologist. Interns will be asked to surrender their notes to Dr. Brewster before entering the bathroom.
6. To expose trainees to the skills of their forebears, ophthalmoscopes will be installed in all patient rooms in the East Pavilion. To prevent accidents, residents must first complete eight hours of training in the Sim Center and show they can locate the eye before examining a real patient.
7. Live video cameras will be mounted in all charting rooms so retired attendings can watch live report all day.
8. Because they’ll eventually get them anyway, all patients will have total body CTs, echocardiograms, and ferritins ordered on admission. Chief concerns will be deleted from presentations because when the tests come back, no one will remember why the patient was admitted in the first place.
9. To fill a recently created vacancy in the White House, Dr. Siegel will be leaving to become the president’s personal physician. Your new Program Director is Dr. Harold Bornstein:
10. Residents with better ideas can leave their suggestions outside the Chiefs’ office:
Happy Passover and/or Easter, everyone,